blog

Healing Old Childhood Friendship Wounds

Mar 08, 2024

It's no coincidence that on International Women’s Day and I am diving into the topic of friendships.

Today, as we celebrate being women, or identifying as a woman, I want to acknowledge the importance of having loving, supportive women (and men) around us who help us rise. As you know, I'm a passionate advocate for this cause.

However, feeling supported by women doesn’t always feel natural or safe for everyone. Often, experiences from childhood friendships or friendship groups have left wounds that continue to impact our lives.

Through my work with many women over the years, I've found that old buried feelings or beliefs from friendship scenarios can profoundly affect how we feel socially, and emotionally, and our sense of belonging.

Why do we carry these old friendship wounds?

The Desire to Fit In: During childhood, particularly during our teenage years, there's a deep desire to fit in and belong. Peer pressure plays a powerful role because we want to conform and be the same.

When we don’t feel like we belong or fit in, and others make it clear, we can feel alone, like we're different (the black sheep), unseen, or judged. These feelings become beliefs about ourselves that persist into adulthood.

Vulnerability and Trust: Starting school marks a time when children are wide open in terms of vulnerability and trust in others. Mean, cruel, or bullying behaviour from other children can be our first experience of unkindness and rejection.

When trust is broken or there is betrayal in our friendships, feelings of rejection and abandonment arise. We might build walls to protect our vulnerability or stop trusting others. Again, these beliefs can persist into adulthood.

Self-Worth and Self-Esteem: Children can often be unfiltered in their words and actions. Hurtful and deeply personal things are said without considering the impact. Being teased or belittled can deeply impact our sense of worthiness and belief in ourselves.

When our character is cut down or we experience ridicule, we may suffer from self-doubt and social anxiety around certain people or groups. We may become people-pleasers or seek validation. These survival responses stay with us into adulthood.

How do we heal from these wounds?

The beautiful thing is there are always opportunities for healing and growth. We can consciously create safe, loving, and connected friendships with respect, boundaries, and empathy.

All healing comes from awareness and self-compassion. The more aware we can be of our beliefs, our old programs, and how these patterns are triggered in the present day, the more capacity we have to heal from the past.

You can do this through your own healing process or by seeking support from a coach or therapist. I've experienced powerful results using Internal Family Systems with my clients in this space.

Here are some questions that can help with self-inquiry:

Reflect on any memories from childhood friendships that might have been challenging or hard for you.
What did you feel in those moments?
What did you believe?
How do these feelings/beliefs get triggered in adulthood?
What behaviours play out that might stem from your childhood experiences?
If you could say something to your younger self, what would it be?
What do you choose to believe moving forward?

I hope these questions help you on your journey to healing friendship wounds and also help you appreciate the special friends in your life today who lift you up and want to see you rise.

Much love,